dysfunctional.

i know i've made mistakes. and always making them. but don't everybody make mistakes too?! even adults make mistakes.
come on, give me a break!!!
the phone call that my mom made from jakarta made me realize that my family is not all that perfect. and i mean not juz my family. coz i'm close with my other relatives as well, i'd like to see them much like my family too. but, i guess everything is juz kinda dysfunctional. well, that's one way to put it. DYSFUNCTIONAL. but then again, i still love my family no matter wad.

maybe i'm juz seeing this whole big family thing too innocently. all the phrases and sayings of family living harmoniously. i doubt that. i do. somehow. so much for being a harmonious family. after all this time, i thought i'm the only one, among all my frens or rather anyone i know, who's actually close to the bigger family, rather than the kind of family that only consist of a dad, mom, brother, sister. no, i count my aunts, uncles, grandaunts, granduncles, grandma, grandpa, all my cousins and everyone else involve as a family. but, i juz realized that they do bitch about me. they say things behind my back and gossip bout me. yes, make comparison of me and other ppl that they know. that i might be able to tolerate. maybe. but hey, doesn't everyone have their imperfection? excuse me, i can't be all that everyone wants me to be. i'm not perfect. I'M REALLY NOT PERFECT.

i'm 17 going on 18 and i make mistakes. just like everyone else. can anyone accept me for who i am and not try to change me?! that's so impossible in my family. my teenage years are bad enough being controlled tooooo strictly. i don't get sleepovers. coz i can't. and i can't even organize one for my frens and i to hang out. i don't drink much. coz i've never been drunk. and so much that i wanna live like by the moment and juz enjoy it for wad it is, I CAN'T.

i would so much like the adults in this family reflect and think too. YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT! i really wanna know their past. did my mom make big mistakes? like staying out too late and stuff? well, i always hear that my dad was notorious. wad bout my uncles? and aunts? wad did they do when they were younger? they did get wild too, i'm sure. well, the thing is that there is generation gap u know. u gotta let me live thru my teenage years the way i want it to be lived. i won't do drugs. i promise. and i bet the adults know that too. i'm already a passive smoker. well, u say that i shouldn't smoke. well firstly the influence did not come from frens. my dad smokes, i have uncles who smoke too. so see, it all started from the family itself. and everytime i talk to the adults, they say that they don't want me hanging around and making frens with bad company. but think again, are the frens really bad or really where did the influence come from?

my mom told me not to sleep late. i told her i can't sleep. and the next thing she said was that ppl are complaining bout me sleeping "early" and waking up in the afternoon / evening. hey, too bad i'm the night-life kinda gurl, O K?! GEEZ! then she said, wad bout later when i've started school. i told her, is not gonna be like this after i start school. and right now i have no school. and she replied with silence. see... wad's wrong with everyone?! they even bitch bout me sleeping "early". wad's wrong with them?! and then there'll be a talk. and it will start off with this FAMOUS line, "your parents care about u, they're concern and worried". maybe parents will never trust their younglings enough. i'm sure mine don't. and i can assure u that. is sad to think this way. aren't we all family, why do family do such things? and even i turn to my aunts to talk to them, i'll juz get the same reply. then there's always this FAMOUS reasoning, "you'll know it next time when u have your own children. you'll do the same thing too". is like i have no one to turn to at all. and watever reasons i have and watever that i have in mind to do, i can't carry it out without approval. is like my whole life is being controlled. and that's why i'm longing for freedom. at least for now. i talk to my parents and i've tried to tell them to let me do wad i want. their answer might be a yes but eventually, it actually turn out to be a no. as opposite as it gets. thank u very much! i still can't do wad i want to.

i feel like no one's listening. no one at all. i'm restricted to everything i want.
and i can't do everything and anything i want coz of family pressure.
is depressing to think this way. it really is.
but i have to face it that is gonna this dysfunctional. till i dunno when and i hope i'll still be able to live thru it. is not as tho i'm gonna commit suicide or anything but i'm juz waiting for the day when i finally can be heard. maybe they still see me as a kid who doesn't know wad i want. but even a kid can feel and think. why not hear the KID out and see wad she has to say?
RIGHT?

sorry that this entry is sooo long. but if i don't spill my thoughts and feelings here, who else can i turn to? i'm the only one who can speak up for myself in this issue.